Bio: After two divorces, I finally married Mr. Right, going on 14 years. Getting here wasn’t easy. There were no resources or information in one place to go for support or how to develop a new life path. I created the Divorcettes website and Divorcette Broadsheet e-newsletter to make available qualified information and education for ladies who have been divorced and are looking for a better future.
There are a ton of websites that talk about life, love and makeup. None are talking about how divorce can change the way we view even the smallest decisions, emotions and what goes into your cosmetic bag! We’re not advocates for divorce, but divorce happens. If it’s happened to you, let’s make the best out of it.
Estate planning is something we all know we should do, but too many of us ignore. This YouTube.com video hosted by Billie Tarascio of Tarascio Law Group Modern Law will help you understand the four key estate planning tools and what they entail. Two out of the four documents discussed cover issues that occur while you are alive, making it even more important to plan your ”estate.” It doesn’t matter if you have millions or next to nothing. There are issues of health, accidents, child care and more. If something happens to you make sure you have a plan for how you want your estate handled.
You Owe Me! Or Not! Jack Scharff, Editor, The Divorce Resource, speaks with
Dorian Eden, Lawyer at Scott David Stewart PLLC For the taped audio interview, click here.
If you are involved in a divorce, spousal support may be involved. In any dissolution, the financial future of both spouses is of critical concern. Spouses are usually at opposite ends of this discussion — the one paying feels put upon, the one receiving usually doesn’t think he or she is getting enough.
Recently, The Divorce Resource spoke on this topic with Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.
This first in a series of four posts provides information that you need to know.
The Divorce Resource: What is spousal support?
Dorian L. Eden: In Arizona, we refer to it as “Spousal Maintenance.” Many people know it as alimony; that’s what many other states call it. Arizona calls it spousal maintenance because it is not intended as a punishment or a “forever” payment. The purpose of spousal maintenance is to get the lesser-earning spouse to a point where he or she can be self-sufficient.
And, there’s a variety of methods that the courts consider: For example, one may need additional schooling, some sort of certification or training, or simply enough time in the workforce to build up to a point of self-sufficiency. That’s the whole purpose of spousal maintenance in Arizona.
TDR: Suppose the lesser-earning spouse was the reason for the divorce, does that change things?
Eden: Arizona has what is considered no-fault divorce, which is why we call it “dissolution of marriage.” A “divorce” intimates that some sort of fault is involved. Because we have these no-fault dissolutions of marriage, the court is not supposed to take into consideration why someone gets a divorce. Was there some sort of adultery, physical abuse, abandonment? The court does not consider those issues.
Now, in very specific circumstances that may be different, but in the vast majority of cases, it never comes up. Obviously, emotionally it’s very different for people, but from the legal standpoint, the judge doesn’t take the reason for dissolution of marriage into consideration in most cases.
It does not matter if one person caused the reason for the parties to dissolve their marriage. All that matters is that one person needs assistance (usually short-term, but sometimes extending to a long-term basis) to reach self-sufficiency.
Historically speaking, the female parties received help because they had lower-paying jobs, less opportunity for higher wage-earning positions, or they stayed home to take care of children.
But now, things are changing as the world is changing. Spousal maintenance requests for men as the recipient are becoming much more common.
The economic downturn is pushing more couples heading to the alter to consider pre-nup agreements and other types of financial agreements should the honeymoon blow up. Have you taken precautions?
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource:Any last thoughts on the subject of getting the best divorce settlement?
Renee Hanson: An expert financial advisor and an expert in the divorce arena are two different things. I once saw a person use a financial advisor who did not understand the divorce process and didn’t have experience in court, and it cost the client a significant amount. So it’s important for the client and the attorney to understand the financial expertise of the financial advisor on the team. People usually have a plan as to how they will survive, and an attorney isn’t usually prepared to offer that advice. An expert is prepared to offer that advice and can help them see their financial future with greater confidence. This allows them to make the right decision.
Going through a divorce without an expert financial advisor is like traveling to a foreign country without a guide. You’ll get through it, but you will likely have some regrets along the way.
CDR:Is there an organization where people can go to find these experts?
Hanson: You can go to the Institute of Divorce Financial Analysts.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource: What are some of the financial disasters to be aware of before going into the divorce process?
Renee Hanson: A big financial disaster is thinking a person can maintain his or her standard of living. Perhaps those going through a divorce get a large settlement and then start spending down that settlement to pay for their standard of living in the short-term. They need to take into account the adjustments needed for their long-term standard of living. If someone gets a settlement of $500,000 and spends it down over the next three years, what will that person do for the next 50 years? These are the questions we can help answer.
The settlement may seem like a great settlement, but people don’t understand how to manage a great settlement for longevity.
Another financial disaster is that once people are awarded spousal maintenance, they think it will never be modified. They continue to maintain their standard of living rather than learning to be financially independent from their ex-spouse.
The one who is paying may lose his or her job or become disabled or take a reduction in salary. The one paying the spousal maintenance can go back to court and say ‘I can no longer afford maintenance payments,’ and a judge can modify the payments.
The third error is not understanding the choices in front of them and making poor decisions, failing to understand the financial impact.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource:Can you discuss how emotions play into negotiations?
Renee Hanson: Very rarely is each person at the same place emotionally. Divorce is a physical and an emotional process. And it’s not uncommon that one person has been thinking about divorce and has begun the emotional disconnect long before making an announcement that he or she wants a divorce. So the other spouse is left catching up, so to speak.
So sometimes the other spouse wants to get even. He or she goes into the compromise, feeling owed something or not ready to go through with the divorce and so the compromise doesn’t feel right. And so the attorneys, with the information from the financial analyst, can work together to understand the impact of the compromise.
CDR: How important is it to separate the emotions from the divorce process so each party can obtain a better outcome?
Hanson: This is a very emotional process, and you want to make fact-based decisions. Sometimes I tell my clients you are not in an emotional place to make those decisions so I want you to digest the information first. Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do — digest the information and then come back and make a decision.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource: Are you seeing trends in this economy where more people are choosing mediation versus the traditional divorce process?
Renee Hanson: Mediation is often a solution prior to going to court. If an attorney advises clients to settle, mediation is often offered first. I see a trend of people saying I will go to mediation first. The sad part is that they think they can go to mediation without an attorney. I don’t necessarily agree that it’s the right solution. A mediator will bring both parties to a compromise. But if the parties don’t understand their legal rights or the financial information and the impact of it, it’s difficult for them to come to a comfortable comprise.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource:How effective is a team approach in a divorce and who is part of the team?
Renee Hanson: It’s important to have a cohesive team that begins with the attorney and the CDFA. The attorney’s responsibility is to offer legal advice and negotiate an equitable settlement. The financial advisor’s responsibility is to sort through the financial components and to provide data for the attorney and the client. There are several benefits of this. The attorney understands the law and the divorce process. Oftentimes, couples don’t want to get bogged down with whether someone gets the TV or not. The other thing a financial advisor can provide is a clear understanding of what the settlement means to the client. This valuable data allows the attorney to negotiate for the highest settlement for the client. It also helps the opposing client to better understand the basis of the request and the right solution.
So a cohesive team is very important. As a certified financial planner, my role is to help the client move though the divorce process with the least amount of baggage at the end, including financial and emotional baggage.
I can tell you in most divorces I’ve seen, both parties feel they’ve been taken advantage of somehow. In using a cohesive team, they are less apt to feel that way. They can learn to make rational, emotional decisions versus irrational, emotional decisions.
CDR: How often do you see this team approach? Is it relatively new, and are divorcing couples aware of this approach?
Hanson: Not as often as I would like. There are a couple of reasons why. Sometimes, the attorney feels a financial advisor can cause havoc. He or she could have had a poor experience with a financial advisor versus a positive experience with a CDFA and CFP. When people understand that the financial advisor’s role is to support the client and the attorney in the divorce process, I think that takes away some of the ego and posturing that sometimes happens in professional relationships and teams. So we don’t find it to be as common, but we are finding it is becoming more important. And once attorneys have more positive experiences, I think you will find more recommendations from attorneys.
CDR: So it sounds like there is a lot of pre-planning, and that is how the financial professional can help the lawyer and client. Right?
Hanson: Pre-planning is critical. As a client begins to work with a divorce financial analyst, the analyst can propose and present to the attorney factual data the attorney can get his or her arms around to begin to develop an offer.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource:When you talk about these irrevocable mistakes, how important is it for each party to understand his or her individual rights?
Renee Hanson: When you look at the division of assets, most people, particularly in the community property states, think they will get half. But each half can look very different. If you slice an orange or apple in half, there are similarities, but you will not find those similarities in assets. So you might say, ‘You get half the house, and I get the other half. Which half will you live in?’
Let me give you an example: Let’s say you have $1 million in assets, $500,000 in a 401k and $500,000 in a house. Women, in particular, might want to nurture the family and say, ‘I’ll keep the house; you keep the 401k. The reality is that the house will cost money to maintain. Who will pay the utilities and other bills if you don’t have any other financial assets? One may say ‘there’is spousal maintenance,’ but this isn’t for a lifetime. Periodically, a serious injury may reduce or eliminate the spousal maintenance, for example, if someone becomes disabled.
Generally speaking, there is a time period put on spousal maintenance. So we try to help each person in the divorce to understand what the assets mean over the long term and how to get a fair and equitable distribution.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource: What types of errors do people make during the divorce process?
Renee Hanson: One of the biggest things that we see is that a person going through a divorce may find he or she is short of cash to begin his or her new life. A little known fact is that people can take a distribution from their 401k plan. But if they are over 59-and-a-half years old, they can avoid a penalty. The penalty can be a very significant amount for someone looking to put a down payment on a house. People still have to pay the taxes; that you can’t avoid. You can’t go back and say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot about this little rule, please take the money back.’ The distribution is one time. That’s it.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
ConnectedIn Divorce Resource:What expertise do people need during the divorce process to avoid irrevocable errors?
Renee Hanson: The best resource in terms of financial planning is to use a CDFA and a CFP. Generally speaking, you don’t find [many] CDFAs who are also CFPs. But periodically it does happen. You want someone who is an expert in the field and who understands the process of financial planning and who can work in a team environment with attorneys to best lead clients through the divorce process. (A CDFA is certified divorce financial analyst and a CFP is a certified financial planner.)
CDR: Are these professionals difficult to find?
Hanson: A certified financial planner is not difficult to find, but a certified divorce financial analyst is [not as easy to find] but is becoming more readily available. Finding someone who is a divorce financial analyst and is actively participating in financial planning as a certified financial planner, there are fewer of those. Sometimes, you find one who specializes in one or the other area of expertise. But it’s important to find someone who has a background in both categories so you get the greatest values in terms of the advice you will receive.
In an interview with the ConnectedIn Divorce Resource, Renee A. Hanson, Partner, Hanson, Ayala & Associates, talks about the number of irrevocable errors couples make during the divorce process. Some of them — not on good terms — think a good pit-bull lawyer is the best strategy to win a golden settlement. But errors can occur when the financial planner is left out the divorce process.
Hanson, a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) and a certified financial planner (CFP), explains what can yield a better outcome and how to make the best decisions during this emotional time.
Hanson, Ayala & Associates, Private Wealth Advisor Renée Hanson, CFP®, CEP®, CDFA™, CFS, CRC brings over 25 years of knowledge and experience to her practice. Renée is one of nine National Franchise Advisory Council members, a board member for Private Wealth Advisors and a committee member for the CFP® board of standards ethics panel. Renée is married with three adult children and four grandchildren and she calls Arizona home. She enjoys her volunteer activities with Fresh Start Women’s Foundation and Girl Scouts of America. Renée has taken a keen interest in working with divorcing clients and their attorneys to develop the most equitable settlement. She is committed to helping her clients move through divorce with the least amount of “baggage.”
New York, the only U.S. state that doesn’t allow no-fault divorces, is expected to pass this new law. But the change would make it easier for a wealthier spouse to end a marriage without providing fair compensation.
Answers provided by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.
TDR: How does one apply for spousal maintenance?
Eden: There are a couple of different ways. The first is to just ask your spouse to provide some sort of assistance on a temporary or permanent basis. The spouse may agree or not. This often depends on how amicable the parties are and what situations they may be in.
If the parties are going through mediation (an attempt to reach resolution without a judge involved), then they are probably discussing whether or not spousal maintenance is in order.
Generally speaking, to apply for spousal maintenance, most people will file some sort of request with the court because that’s how you start a dissolution case. You may ask in your initial petition for dissolution of marriage for some sort of spousal maintenance. In some instances, after someone files the initial petition, either party may realize that he or she wants some type of spousal maintenance. That person can then file again with the court to ask for the maintenance.
There are many factors that determine if spousal maintenance is applicable and how long it’s in effect. It is not intended as a punishment or a “forever” payment. Some agreements are modifiable; others are not.
Questions answered by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.
TDR: Can spousal maintenance terms be modified if one party has had some severe change in income or health?
It depends. In Arizona, after a trial in which a judge determines one party is entitled to spousal maintenance, yes it can be modifiable. But if the parties agree to make it non-modifiable in either amount or duration or both, then no one can ever modify it.
There’s a fairly recent Arizona Supreme Court case on this issue. After two parties entered into a non-modifiable spousal maintenance agreement, both in amount and duration, a few years after the marriage dissolution, the payer spouse became disabled. The payer went back to the trial court and said to the judge, “I need to reduce my spousal maintenance. I am now disabled and am receiving Social Security disability. I need to get some sort of modification to the agreement.”
The case went through the Arizona Trial Court, the Court of Appeals and, ultimately to the Arizona Supreme Court. The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that since the parties entered into an agreement termed non-modifiable, the agreement holds and cannot be modified.
There are reasons why parties want to make their spousal maintenance agreements modifiable and other reasons why parties want such agreements as non-modifiable. Spouses should explore all of the reasons in either situation before entering into a spousal maintenance agreement.
TDR: How many marriage dissolutions have some type of spousal maintenance granted?
Eden: It depends on a variety of situations. There are many cases where temporary support is granted until the dissolution is finalized. Then there are cases where support is granted during and after the dissolution. It’s such a fact-intensive question that it can only be best answered on a case-by-case basis.
Answers provided by Dorian L. Eden, an attorney Scott David Stewart PLLC. Dori’s practice is focused only on family law.
TDR: What determines the amount granted?
Eden: That’s a great question, and one for which I don’t have a very good answer. The reason why is because the Arizona Legislature has set forth very specific factors that the court takes into consideration when deciding:
1. If someone is qualified to receive spousal maintenance.
2. If so, the amount and duration of spousal maintenance.
On various websites, one can find spousal maintenance guidelines available in Arizona. You plug in some numbers, and the site tells you in theory what spousal maintenance should be. If the courts would follow these guidelines, that would be great. But, in fact, the courts do not follow those guidelines.
There are specific opinions from the higher courts in Arizona, The Court of Appeals and the Arizona Supreme Court, saying that judges cannot just use those guidelines, but need go through a list of various factors to decide if a party is qualified to receive spousal maintenance and for how long.
To decide if a person is qualified to receive spousal maintenance, the court has to look at four things:
1. Does someone lack sufficient property to provide for his or her self, such as income-producing property that can generate enough income for the person to be self-sufficient?
If a person has a multi-million dollar estate that generates hundreds of thousands of dollars each year, then that person probably wouldn’t qualify for spousal maintenance. That vast majority of people are not in that situation, but they might have rental properties that generate income that the court will take into consideration.
2. Why is the person unable to be self-sufficient? Is it because he or she is the custodian of a young or disabled child, which requires that person to be with that child most of the time and, therefore, does not allow the person to go out and get a job?
3. Did the person contribute to the educational opportunities of the spouse, essentially putting his or her career on hold to better the other person?
4. What was the length of the marriage? Is the person seeking spousal maintenance of such an age that’s it not very likely that that person will be able to obtain employment to be self-sufficient?
If the court finds that the person qualifies under any one of the above four factors, then the court has to consider 13 other factors to decide how much and for how long. Some of the factors the court looks at are:
• The standard of living.
• The duration of the marriage.
• The age of the requesting party.
• The person’s employment history.
• The ability of the person (from whom spousal maintenance is sought) to provide for the other person while providing for his or her own needs.
• Did one spouse help the other spouse’s career to the detriment of his or her own career?
• Did one party stay at home to take care of children?
• Were there excessive or abnormal expenditures during the marriage?
• Was someone hiding money?
• What ability does each party have after the dissolution of the marriage to contribute to the future educational costs of the children?
There are many different things that the court looks at and considers. Generally speaking, the answer to the how much and how long question, is determined, in large part, by affidavits of financial information. Each party must complete one of these and basically list out all income and expenditures. Obviously, the more support and documentation one has for expenditures, the better that person’s chances. The court will look at these expenditures and decide if they are reasonable or not.
There’s no set number, and there’s no set timeline. If two different couples with the exact same financial circumstances were in front of two different judges for a trial, in all likelihood there would be two very different results in terms of spousal maintenance.
Jack Scharff, Editor, The Divorce Resource speaks with
Dorian Eden, Lawyer at Scott David Stewart PLLC
If you are involved in a divorce, spousal support may be involved. In any dissolution, the financial future of both spouses is of critical concern. Spouses are usually at opposite ends of this discussion — the one paying feels put upon, the one receiving usually doesn’t think he or she is getting enough.
Recently, The Divorce Resource spoke on this topic with Dorian L. Eden, an attorney and shareholder at Tiffany and Bosco, a full-service law firm in Phoenix, Ariz. Dori’s practice consists of family law, personal injury and probate administration and litigation.
Click on the arrow below for the taped interview …
LK: How do you handle the “his, hers, mine and ours” type problems?
Leman: If you’re like most couples, they do not handle these very successfully. Let’s face it: We tend to be pretty hedonistic creatures. We tend to think of ourselves more than we think of other people.
Involve Kids in Decisions
I always ask people, “Why do you stop at stop signs?” They always say, “Because it’s the law, and I don’t want to get a ticket.” Now those are two good reasons, but the best reason to stop is so you don’t hurt someone else.
If you weren’t able to get together and solve things when you were married, how do you expect to do these things after the separation, the divorce and the remarriage? It’s very difficult. Always start with what’s best for my child, the children, and then secondarily, “What’s best for us?”
The kids didn’t ask to be in a blended family so you need to be very cognizant of them. One thing that really helps is to involve each of the kids in some of these decisions. Sit around the dinner table and say, “Honey, what do you think we should do? How do you think we should handle this? What would make you feel best? What’s the most comfortable thing for you to do?”
Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.
Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.
This is the fifth of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.
The TRUTH about blended families
by Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com
Welcome back to part 2 in this series. Divorcette Broadsheet spoke about blended families with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in this field and author of Have a New Kid by Friday andThe Birth Order Book.
Editor’s note: If you missed part one of this interview, click here
LK: When two people remarry, what do you think their biggest misconception is with respect to the children?
Dr. Levin Leman: The biggest misconception is, without a doubt, “We’ll make it in this marriage.” The research says you won’t make it in this new marriage. Your chances are lower in your second marriage then in your first.
The assumption about the kids is that they will grow up to love everybody. Just because you love this man or you love this woman, it does not mean that your son or daughter will love this other person. Nor should you require or expect this. But what you can expect is that this man or woman will be respected. Why? Expect respect because this woman or man is your wife or husband. Respect is the path you want to walk down.
LK: How can the new couple provide a stable environment for the children?
Leman: Only with great difficulty and plenty of hard work can they provide a stable environment. I’m not painting an easy picture because it’s not easy. The dinner table discussion is key and should be required.
Don’t be held hostage by the children’s activities. I’ve written books on the topic, and activities are not good for kids. Activities are not good for families or for a couple’s sex life. Talk about an un-American statement — you just read one. You may think activities are good for kids. Let me repeat: Activities are not good for kids.
Please listen to what I’m saying … that dinner table discussion must be a requirement for blended families. That’s the one time we can all sit around to talk with one another. I don’t care if you call them anger meetings; you better address the little rubs, the little digs and the little innuendos before they mushroom into World War III. That’s how you do it around the dinner table. Ask the kids, with the parents as leaders, “What do you think about this or that?” And, without being critical or being judgmental, hear it all out. And then put the judge’s robe on, Mom or Dad, and make the decisions you must make.
Will the kids always like the decision? No. But here’s what the kids have to see — that Mom and Dad are on the same team. If there’s any room between your shoulder and your mate’s, you lose and so do your kids.
LK: Do kids team up to work one parent against the other?
Leman: They do the daily. That’s their game plan. They have been hurt already by life, so when you say, “Here’s this wonderful marriage, or wonderful woman or wonderful man,” the kids will try to sabotage this. Why? Because they have already been hurt by life, so why should they trust you to stay together with the woman or man? That’s the problem that new couples face. These kids are not on your team.
LK: You said that activities are not good for kids. On what do you base that opinion?
Leman: Time. Let’s say you each bring a typical family of 2.3 kids. Put each family together, and you now have 4.6 kids. If each of these kids has just two activities, you do the math, that’s over eight different runs to softball, soccer, cheerleading practice, piano lessons — you name it. I have a chapter in one of my books entitled, “Help, I’m a cabbie and my minivan isn’t even yellow.”
We run kids from pillar to post thinking it’s good for families. Well it’s not; kids dominate families today. In my book, Have a New Kid by Friday, I challenge parents to step up to the plate and be the parent. You can’t let a three-foot-tall kid be in charge of you, an adult. This happens in almost everyplace in America. Just go to a typical mall, sit down and watch the behavior, and you’ll know why some mothers eat their young within 15 minutes.
LK: If having a dinner-table discussion is your first-order advice to parents of blended families, what is your second?
Leman: Stay married despite them. You must stay married; divorce cannot be an option. You’ve already gone down that hill once. Every expert on the topic agrees that it takes three to seven years for a blended family to blend. So there will be some nights when you look at the ceiling thinking: What have I done?What have I done to my kids? What have I done to myself? This isn’t working. But you can’t waver. You have to have a port of call. And that port of call is the finish line. Make it to the casket no matter what.
Before I knew PDSD existed I told a friend after my breakup that I have PDSD. She thought I was creating my very own disorder. Ha, I’m not crazy and neither are you!
LK: When do the new husband and wife start to try to blend the families?
Leman: Put yourself in the kid’s shoes for awhile. Here’s another kid you’ve never laid eyes on, and he’s introduced as your new stepbrother. Now let’s assume that this little firstborn son is 11 years of age — that’s Dad’s son. And Mom’s firstborn son is 13. Does one hand over the birthrights to the other? No. You’ve got a Wolverine and a Buckeye on your hands, a Sun Devil and Wildcat in a bag shook up for good measure. So that’s why I say, “We have seen the enemy, and it is small.”
So you do try to start a relationship, but once these euphoric initial feelings begin to wane, you’ve got his kids and you’ve got her kids, and he did this, and she said that. And before long, in a very natural way, you are siding with whom? You are siding with your kids.
Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.
Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.
This is the second of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.
We’ve met the enemy, and it is small
by Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com
We all remember the TV show, The Brady Bunch. If only blending families from different marriages was that easy. Of course, it isn’t. What’s a new couple to do?
Recently, Divorcette Broadsheet spoke on the topic with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in this field and author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.
Linda Kazares, Divorcettes: What are the typical beliefs and misconceptions when two people with separate families from previous marriages fall in love?
Dr. Kevin Leman: A lot of people fall into the “tinglies.” I’m not even sure it’s love. After you’re hurt, after a there’s been a death, a divorce or what have you, and you find this special person and you have all the euphoric feelings running around in your heart and in your head, you’re telling yourself, “Ahh, this is going to be wonderful.” I think a lot of people assume it will be bliss. Yet love may not be wonderful the second time around — it’s more difficult.
And even when kids seem to like the other person, what you have to understand is that even though these kids seem like they’re on board, trust me, they’re not. They are the enemy to the new marriage. They will drive a wedge between you. If you are not shoulder to shoulder as a couple, you’re doomed.
So the misnomer of blended families is simply that. They are not blended; they collide. There are many Armageddon evenings ahead for everyone.
LK: When do the new husband and wife start to try to blend the families?
Leman: They all start. They all try. But put yourself in the kid’s shoes for awhile. Here’s another kid you’ve never laid eyes on, and he’s introduced as your new stepbrother. Now let’s assume that this little firstborn son is 11 years of age — that’s Dad’s son. And Mom’s firstborn son is 13. Does one hand over the birthrights to the other? No. You’ve got a Wolverine and a Buckeye on your hands, a Sun Devil and Wildcat in a bag shook up for good measure. So that’s why I say, “We have seen the enemy, and it is small.”
So you do try to start a relationship, but once these euphoric initial feelings begin to wane, you’ve got his kids and you’ve got her kids, and he did this, and she said that. And before long, in a very natural way, you are siding with whom? You are siding with your kids.
Now place the ex-spouse into the picture — one who can lob a grenade into your home with a simple phone call or email. Now you can see why the experts predict that it takes three to seven years to blend families. The foundation of the blended family is cemented with the mortar of jealousy, anger, bitterness and anger. Notice that I said anger twice — because everybody has a little anger inside, an emotional chip on his or her shoulder.
I hope I’m not painting too dark a picture, but you had better love one another the second time around. You had better put your husband or wife first in the relationship. Take it from me, I’m an old grizzled veteran who has been married to the same woman for 43 consecutive years. You will not make it in a marriage unless you are shoulder to shoulder.
LK: What’s the best way for the new spouses to handle ex-spouse relationships?
Leman: What’s in vogue today, especially with young children, is that kids bounce back and forth from home to home. Somebody thinks he or she is King Solomon and cuts the kid in half — not a good idea. Parents, if you’re into moving, why don’t you move? That would be my advice. It’s not advice that anyone wants to take, because it’s too inconvenient. It’s much easier for the kids to move. My biased opinion is that those kids should live in one place as much as possible. Yes, and visit the other parent.
The big thing to understand about ex-spouse relationships is to never badmouth your ex-husband or ex-wife, for any reason, at any time, under any circumstance. I don’t care if that ex-husband is a slime ball with a capital “S.” Don’t badmouth him. If you do, you will live to regret it.
LK: There are always conflicts in a blended family. How do you handle the “his, hers, mine and ours” type problems?
If you’re like most couples, they do not handle these very successfully. Let’s face it: We tend to be pretty hedonistic creatures. We tend to think of ourselves more than we think of other people.
I always ask people, “Why do you stop at stop signs?” They always say, “Because it’s the law, and I don’t want to get a ticket.” Now those are two good reasons, but the best reason to stop is so you don’t hurt someone else.
If you weren’t able to get together and solve things when you were married, how do you expect to do these things after the separation, the divorce and the remarriage? It’s very difficult. Always start with what’s best for my child, the children, and then secondarily, “What’s best for us?”
The kids didn’t ask to be in a blended family so you need to be very cognizant of them. One thing that really helps is to involve each of the kids in some of these decisions. Sit around the dinner table and say, “Honey, what do you think we should do? How do you think we should handle this? What would make you feel best? What’s the most comfortable thing for you to do?”
Now, does that mean you are letting the kids make these decisions? No. You have to make the decision, you’re the parents. But, you should get input from the kids. Just by letting them give some input, it will lessen some of the natural undercutting that goes on in the nature of blended families when it comes to just negotiating who does what and how life will work out for our new family.
Another thing I want to share is that if it’s about your son, Dad, or you daughter, Dad, then you have final authority and final say. Mom, if it’s about your son or daughter, then you have final authority. I encourage you to get the blessing of your mate. Don’t get bullheaded and paint yourself into a corner.
The key to all negotiating is that everybody wins something. And, we should negotiate with honesty and with respect.
Editor’s note: This ends part one of our interview with Dr. Leman. Part two is found here.
Divorce can destroy self-esteem. Depression can sneak into the mind without knowing what is happening. The parties involved in divorce become full of guilt. They begin to question their sanity.
How can you regain a positive attitude after divorce? Consider these six suggestions.
One of the toughest things for a woman in particular when they get divorced is very often they have been a stay-at-home mom or their work life never really developed into a career that would enable them to pay the bills for a family.
While there are certain things like spousal maintenance that she may be able to rely on for a while it isn’t a long-term revenue stream. The advice I give women is start to look at yourself as an individual, not the extension of everyone else.
I’ve spoken to women who while married never considered working because they enjoyed their ‘day lady’ status. They’re entitled. Then there are women who have been financial contributors but may not make enough to be independent and be able to pay for a divorced household.
Reality bites. Start now to create your vision of who you are and what you want to be.
It’s really hard letting go of everything that you took for granted when you divorced. Holding on the the house is a biggie on the list of ‘I won’t let go.’ There’s usually so much sentimental value that goes along with a house you may have lived in for years.
It might be the right time to clean out the closets and consider your options: rent, buy something smaller, get a roommate…
This may sound nuts but once you’ve decided to let go you can make this a fun activity. Find, acquire, redecorate!
In the Western world, people often go on diets with the intention to lose excess weight. Fad diets may help dieters drop pounds initially, but weight is usually gained back later in life or when individuals’ meal plans fall astray from the regimented diet guidelines.
The Mediterranean diet is recognized worldwide as an ideal diet that promotes lifelong health and well-being. Unlike popular Western diets, the Mediterranean diet focuses on which foods can be eaten and how they can be combined and cooked to produce maximum flavor, rather than being solely concerned about which food to avoid and deprive the body of. More at EmpowHer…
As you go through any relationship change, getting the guy’s point of view is helpful. Askmen.com is full of useful advice, such as not rushing into dating. Some of our readers say it’s just a distraction. I agree, but I love distractions.
Being single again for a Divorcette can be scary. We can feel lonely and look for companionship to replace what we’ve ‘lost.’ If you really wanted to replace what you lost you wouldn’t have left anyway. The painful memories are the first to to dissipate.
What do we do? All too often we move in with a guy we may not know that well or that feels like the relationship you just left. I did that after my first divorce. I had to have an overlapping relationship and just dating wasn’t enough.
I think one of the difficult things for people when they get divorced, either while they are still married and in the process or even after, is sort of reentering that whole relationship thing.
You know, do I start dating? Is it too soon? I have children, you know, when do the children become involved?
More fun than a barrel of monkeys … at least a couple of turkeys anyway! FUN-TIVITY Recipes included
One of the highlights (there are so many) of our Fabulous Fun Days (that’s what we nicknamed our fun-tivities) was when I arranged for a petting zoo to be brought into my house. I did an online search using terms like “petting party” — that reminded me of high school, so I quickly changed my search terms. I tried zoo (makes sense), pets, animal demonstrations and a couple of other keywords. Didn’t take me too long until I came upon JungleJill.com.
When I called Jungle Jill to reserve her for the party, she commented that she’d never done an event for adults before, that it would be fun and different. She promised to bring some of her more unusual pets. One thing I insisted on – no scorpions; we have enough of those around here naturally!
Go for drama
I had Jill show up around 4 p.m., before my gals did. I closed off the view to the yard so the ladies couldn’t see the setup. Very important note here: you MUST have hors d’oeuvres, wine and soft drinks to kick off the festivities. I didn’t want any low-blood-sugar attacks.
Once Jungle Jill was ready, I swept open the curtains, like you see at the theater. To everyone’s surprise, there was a whole zoo on the deck. We spent the next 1.5 hours learning about each animal, petting and sometimes holding the menagerie. Though, I admit, not many of us wanted to hold the snakes.
Among the animals she brought were snakes, a black throat monitor (looked like a lizard to me), a miniature goat and a huge black (gorgeous, by the way) turkey.
I had prepared a dinner to fit the theme. I tend to get into a theme in a big way. I served an entirely “wild” animal dinner. We started dinner with alligator bread, turtle soup and “lamb tongue” salad, then progressed to ewe blue soufflé accompanied by antelope, buffalo and alligator sausages. I made my favorite truffle and cherries sauce for the sausages. We finished with a dessert of ice cream (OK, it’s not wild, but it did come from a cow!).
I admit, this is a lot more work than we usually put into one of these parties, but then, like I said, I tend to get into it. We each chipped in $50; we had five gals that night. That’s less than sushi and a martini where we live. And what you get with the martini is just the turkey – sometimes.
Have some fun with your fun-tivities. If you have some fun ideas or activities send me an email or post it here. We’re always looking for the next fun thing to do together. Linda
Easy recipes from the party
Souffle
Find a cheese soufflé on foodtv.com or Martha Stewart or anywhere. Substitute ewe (female sheep) cheese for whatever cheese the recipe calls for. You could use any blue cheese, but then it would lose its cachet. I use goat and sheep cheeses because I’m allergic to cow dairy (except when it comes in the form of ice cream).
Lamb Tongue Salad
Lamb tongue is actually a soft and delicate lettuce shaped like a little tongue, hence the name. Use a light salad dressing. Drizzle a little olive oil, some white balsamic vinegar (find it at Trader Joe’s) and a fresh herb.
Truffle and Cherries Sauce
This sauce is easy enough to make. You can use truffle oil or truffle salt in the sauce. Get a can of black cherries in light low-sugar juice. Use a blender to puree them. In a sauce pan, combine the cherries and truffle product. I personally prefer truffle oil and butter. Or butter, olive oil and truffle salt. Add chicken or turkey broth concentrate. Cook until the sauce clings to the back of a spoon. It could take awhile. Keep the flame low and check it regularly. Better put a timer on if you are anything like me; I tend to wander and forget the stove.
Note: The concentrate can be purchased at Trader Joe’s (where else, they’re good for at least 80 percent of the ingredients I use to cook). If you don’t have concentrate, use canned or boxed broth and reduce it to about 1/4, then proceed with the recipe.
Meat Course: Wild Sausage – antelope, buffalo and alligator
Any unusual sausage or even turkey and chicken work. I didn’t hand-make these. Fortunately, at the time we had a local butcher who could order them for me. If you’re interested, do a Google search or go to igourmet.com for what you want; they always have unusual products that fit almost any exotic or daily menu.
You Owe Me! Or Not!
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