Relationships

One guy’s humorous take on a very bad ending to his marriage. What one guy did with his ex wife’s wedding dress…

LK: How do you handle the “his, hers, mine and ours” type problems?

Leman: If you’re like most couples, they do not handle these very successfully. Let’s face it: We tend to be pretty hedonistic creatures. We tend to think of ourselves more than we think of other people.

I always ask people, “Why do you stop at stop signs?” They always say, “Because it’s the law, and I don’t want to get a ticket.” Now those are two good reasons, but the best reason to stop is so you don’t hurt someone else.

If you weren’t able to get together and solve things when you were married, how do you expect to do these things after the separation, the divorce and the remarriage? It’s very difficult. Always start with what’s best for my child, the children, and then secondarily, “What’s best for us?”

The kids didn’t ask to be in a blended family so you need to be very cognizant of them. One thing that really helps is to involve each of the kids in some of these decisions. Sit around the dinner table and say, “Honey, what do you think we should do? How do you think we should handle this? What would make you feel best? What’s the most comfortable thing for you to do?”

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Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.

Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the fifth of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.

The TRUTH about blended families
by Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com

Welcome back to part 2 in this series.  Divorcette Broadsheet spoke about blended families with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in this field and author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Editor’s note: If you missed part one of this interview, click here

LK: When two people remarry, what do you think their biggest misconception is with respect to the children?

Dr. Levin Leman: The biggest misconception is, without a doubt, “We’ll make it in this marriage.” The research says you won’t make it in this new marriage. Your chances are lower in your second marriage then in your first.

The assumption about the kids is that they will grow up to love everybody. Just because you love this man or you love this woman, it does not mean that your son or daughter will love this other person. Nor should you require or expect this. But what you can expect is that this man or woman will be respected. Why? Expect respect because this woman or man is your wife or  husband. Respect is the path you want to walk down.

LK: How can the new couple provide a stable environment for the children?

Leman: Only with great difficulty and plenty of hard work can they provide a stable environment. I’m not painting an easy picture because it’s not easy. The dinner table discussion is key and should be required.

Don’t be held hostage by the children’s activities. I’ve written books on the topic, and activities are not good for kids. Activities are not good for families or for a couple’s sex life. Talk about an un-American statement — you just read one. You may think activities are good for kids. Let me repeat: Activities are not good for kids.

Please listen to what I’m saying … that dinner table discussion must be a requirement for blended families. That’s the one time we can all sit around to talk with one another. I don’t care if you call them anger meetings; you better address the little rubs, the little digs and the little innuendos before they mushroom into World War III. That’s how you do it around the dinner table. Ask the kids, with the parents as leaders, “What do you think about this or that?” And, without being critical or being judgmental, hear it all out. And then put the judge’s robe on, Mom or Dad, and make the decisions you must make.

Will the kids always like the decision? No. But here’s what the kids have to see — that Mom and Dad are on the same team. If there’s any room between your shoulder and your mate’s, you lose and so do your kids.

LK: Do kids team up to work one parent against the other?

Leman: They do the daily. That’s their game plan. They have been hurt already by life, so when you say, “Here’s this wonderful marriage, or wonderful woman or wonderful man,” the kids will try to sabotage this. Why? Because they have already been hurt by life, so why should they trust you to stay together with the woman or man? That’s the problem that new couples face. These kids are not on your team.

LK: You said that activities are not good for kids. On what do you base that opinion?

Leman: Time. Let’s say you each bring a typical family of 2.3 kids. Put each family together, and you now have 4.6 kids. If each of these kids has just two activities, you do the math, that’s over eight different runs to softball, soccer, cheerleading practice, piano lessons — you name it. I have a chapter in one of my books entitled, “Help, I’m a cabbie and my minivan isn’t even yellow.”

We run kids from pillar to post thinking it’s good for families. Well it’s not; kids dominate families today. In my book, Have a New Kid by Friday, I challenge parents to step up to the plate and be the parent. You can’t let a three-foot-tall kid be in charge of you, an adult. This happens in almost everyplace in America. Just go to a typical mall, sit down and watch the behavior, and you’ll know why some mothers eat their young within 15 minutes.

LK: If having a dinner-table discussion is your first-order advice to parents of blended families, what is your second?

Leman: Stay married despite them. You must stay married; divorce cannot be an option. You’ve already gone down that hill once. Every expert on the topic agrees that it takes three to seven years for a blended family to blend. So there will be some nights when you look at the ceiling thinking: What have I done? What have I done to my kids? What have I done to myself? This isn’t working. But you can’t waver. You have to have a port of call. And that port of call is the finish line. Make it to the casket no matter what.

LK: When do the new husband and wife start to try to blend the families?

Leman: Put yourself in the kid’s shoes for awhile. Here’s another kid you’ve never laid eyes on, and he’s introduced as your new stepbrother. Now let’s assume that this little firstborn son is 11 years of age — that’s Dad’s son. And Mom’s firstborn son is 13. Does one hand over the birthrights to the other? No. You’ve got a Wolverine and a Buckeye on your hands, a Sun Devil and Wildcat in a bag shook up for good measure. So that’s why I say, “We have seen the enemy, and it is small.”

So you do try to start a relationship, but once these euphoric initial feelings begin to wane, you’ve got his kids and you’ve got her kids, and he did this, and she said that. And before long, in a very natural way, you are siding with whom? You are siding with your kids.

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Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.

Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the second of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.

We’ve met the enemy, and it is small
by Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com

We all remember the TV show, The Brady Bunch. If only blending families from different marriages was that easy. Of course, it isn’t. What’s a new couple to do?

Recently, Divorcette Broadsheet spoke on the topic with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in this field and author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Linda Kazares, Divorcettes: What are the typical beliefs and misconceptions when two people with separate families from previous marriages fall in love?

Dr. Kevin Leman: A lot of people fall into the “tinglies.” I’m not even sure it’s love. After you’re hurt, after a there’s been a death, a divorce or what have you, and you find this special person and you have all the euphoric feelings running around in your heart and in your head, you’re telling yourself, “Ahh, this is going to be wonderful.” I think a lot of people assume it will be bliss. Yet love may not be wonderful the second time around — it’s more difficult.

And even when kids seem to like the other person, what you have to understand is that even though these kids seem like they’re on board, trust me, they’re not. They are the enemy to the new marriage. They will drive a wedge between you. If you are not shoulder to shoulder as a couple, you’re doomed.

So the misnomer of blended families is simply that. They are not blended; they collide. There are many Armageddon evenings ahead for everyone.

LK: When do the new husband and wife start to try to blend the families?

Leman: They all start. They all try. But put yourself in the kid’s shoes for awhile. Here’s another kid you’ve never laid eyes on, and he’s introduced as your new stepbrother. Now let’s assume that this little firstborn son is 11 years of age — that’s Dad’s son. And Mom’s firstborn son is 13. Does one hand over the birthrights to the other? No. You’ve got a Wolverine and a Buckeye on your hands, a Sun Devil and Wildcat in a bag shook up for good measure. So that’s why I say, “We have seen the enemy, and it is small.”

So you do try to start a relationship, but once these euphoric initial feelings begin to wane, you’ve got his kids and you’ve got her kids, and he did this, and she said that. And before long, in a very natural way, you are siding with whom? You are siding with your kids.

Now place the ex-spouse into the picture — one who can lob a grenade into your home with a simple phone call or email. Now you can see why the experts predict that it takes three to seven years to blend families. The foundation of the blended family is cemented with the mortar of jealousy, anger, bitterness and anger. Notice that I said anger twice — because everybody has a little anger inside, an emotional chip on his or her shoulder.

I hope I’m not painting too dark a picture, but you had better love one another the second time around. You had better put your husband or wife first in the relationship. Take it from me, I’m an old grizzled veteran who has been married to the same woman for 43 consecutive years. You will not make it in a marriage unless you are shoulder to shoulder.

LK: What’s the best way for the new spouses to handle ex-spouse relationships?

Leman: What’s in vogue today, especially with young children, is that kids bounce back and forth from home to home. Somebody thinks he or she is King Solomon and cuts the kid in half — not a good idea. Parents, if you’re into moving, why don’t you move? That would be my advice. It’s not advice that anyone wants to take, because it’s too inconvenient. It’s much easier for the kids to move. My biased opinion is that those kids should live in one place as much as possible. Yes, and visit the other parent.

The big thing to understand about ex-spouse relationships is to never badmouth your ex-husband or ex-wife, for any reason, at any time, under any circumstance. I don’t care if that ex-husband is a slime ball with a capital “S.” Don’t badmouth him. If you do, you will live to regret it.

LK: There are always conflicts in a blended family. How do you handle the “his, hers, mine and ours” type problems?

If you’re like most couples, they do not handle these very successfully. Let’s face it: We tend to be pretty hedonistic creatures. We tend to think of ourselves more than we think of other people.

I always ask people, “Why do you stop at stop signs?” They always say, “Because it’s the law, and I don’t want to get a ticket.” Now those are two good reasons, but the best reason to stop is so you don’t hurt someone else.

If you weren’t able to get together and solve things when you were married, how do you expect to do these things after the separation, the divorce and the remarriage? It’s very difficult. Always start with what’s best for my child, the children, and then secondarily, “What’s best for us?”

The kids didn’t ask to be in a blended family so you need to be very cognizant of them. One thing that really helps is to involve each of the kids in some of these decisions. Sit around the dinner table and say, “Honey, what do you think we should do? How do you think we should handle this? What would make you feel best? What’s the most comfortable thing for you to do?”

Now, does that mean you are letting the kids make these decisions? No. You have to make the decision, you’re the parents. But, you should get input from the kids. Just by letting them give some input, it will lessen some of the natural undercutting that goes on in the nature of blended families when it comes to just negotiating who does what and how life will work out for our new family.

Another thing I want to share is that if it’s about your son, Dad, or you daughter, Dad, then you have final authority and final say. Mom, if it’s about your son or daughter, then you have final authority. I encourage you to get the blessing of your mate. Don’t get bullheaded and paint yourself into a corner.

The key to all negotiating is that everybody wins something. And, we should negotiate with honesty and with respect.

Editor’s note: This ends part one of our interview with Dr. Leman.  Part two is found here.

Peanut Butter Pie for Mikey

from Todd Porter & Diane Cu – WhiteOnRiceCouple blog – BlogHer – Vimeo.

Here is a sign of the financial times in which we live … welcome to the “Un-Divorced”  who are emotionally divorced and living single!

Technically you are married: you still file joint tax returns. One of you will have insurance, if you’re lucky, so you can piggyback off each other. And when you meet, it will be pleasant — a bit of business and pleasure. While this setup isn’t for everyone, it’s working for some people who don’t want to go through the expense and hassle of divorce. Others just want a break from marriage.

Both deals make sense to me and these days anything has to go.

There are a ton of websites that talk about life, love and makeup.  None are talking about how divorce can change the way we view even the smallest decisions, emotions and what goes into your cosmetic bag!  We’re not advocates for divorce but divorce happens.  If it’s happened to you let’s make the best out of it.

Vacations, boob jobs, sex, kick ass job and martinis are just part of what we think might help a Divorcette, while gardening, car pools and a good self-help book may just be what you need to move on and move up.  Whatever it takes to build a happier life after divorce we’re going to talk about it.

Rosie the Recover aka Mary has developed her own way of recovering from divorce.  Listen to her interview to find out how you can do the same thing. http://divorcettes.com/?p=2964

Divorce was so much easier to adjust to when most of my girlfriends were single/divorced as well. They walked me through the most trying times, sitting at my kitchen counter listening to my tales and trials of the drama that naturally comes with such life decisions.  While they are still my dear friends, a couple of them have now gotten remarried or are about to which is a bitter sweet pill to swallow. Not wanting to be the third or fifth wheel in their evenings out, I have purposefully politely declined the invitations.

Reality Bites

On top of this, my children, all young adults, have moved out of state to begin their news lives as college students and/or recent graduates embarking on their own adventures. With no family in town the question that is looming over my head is, What will I do for traditional holidays?  The first year after divorce is always a test of how flexible we are to change. Whose house will the kids go to and who will fill in for the husband no longer there to cut the meat? But the idea that the kids will also find their own version of “new normal” away from my house has a biting reality that leaves me feeling, quite frankly, empty.

Be Proactive

1. What does a healthy social life look like for a single woman who doesn’t necessarily want to delve right back into a heavy relationship (not that they are lined up at the door or anything)? I’m not sure I’ve quite figured it all out but there are some rules that I believe will make the transition a little easier. First, get comfortable going out to a movie by yourself or being proactive in asking friends to join you. Don’t sit at home watching Netflix every night just because it’s the path of least resistance.
2. Find ways to be a part of a group of people doing similar activities. This is why there are singles networks around everything from eating to praying to rock climbing. I’ve spent the last 20 years working out to tapes and equipment that is sitting comfortably in my house but I think it’s time to belong to the gym where I can feel like I’m being social even if I don’t speak to a sole while I’m sweating. Just being seen is 90% of the way towards actually interacting.
3. Find a phenomenal alternative to spending the holidays in the traditional sense. Make the one holiday a year with the entire family around totally unforgettable. Wallow in their presence and the love they bring to your life. Then pick at least one other and treat yourself to a ski trip, a spa weekend, or a cruise. These will be the adventures that you may never have had, had you stayed married.  Make them something you can brag about to all your friends and family over Facebook or Twitter.

My girlfriends may be getting married and my kids are moving away but these are healthy changes for all of us. Girlfriend time is still every Sunday at noon over bloody mary’s and my kids are just a text away. I’ll go to a movie this afternoon and set myself up on a schedule to go to the gym every morning at 5 AM.  This is the state of my new world of social solitude and it’s not as lonely as one might think. In fact, it’s feeling quite peaceful.

By Rosie aka Mary

For over 23 years, I had the privilege of giving back to my community by donating thousands of dollars and hours of my time to assist dozens of organizations to achieve highly impactful goals.  All of this came to a screeching halt when the recession hit my family.  The past two years I have been in survival mode, working two and sometime three jobs, selling my home, downsizing my car, experiencing empty nest syndrome and ultimately changing my marital status to “divorced”.  The idea of giving back to my community was all but put on the back burner due to the financial and emotional stress I have been under both personally and professionally.

Since coming to work for the City of Phoenix, I have had the distinct pleasure of meeting several amazing women who I have worked with professionally to rev up the engine of the Phoenix economy through their professional endeavors and our collaborative efforts.  Now they have shown me the path for contributing back to my community in powerful ways such as becoming part of Catherine Anaya’s “Sisterhood of the Super Women” initiative.  I attended their luncheon Sunday and met dozens of women who not only pursue their passion at work, but philanthropically as well in ways that cannot be quantified.

I listened to the amazing ways the Phoenix Youth at Risk program is making difference in the lives of young adults most likely to become a burden on society.  Their mentors give them the adult guidance and support needed to choose positive paths instead of self-destructive behaviors.  The results of their efforts are measured by the number of youth they keep out of jail, off the streets, and into college.  Amazing.  A humbling reminder that while my life has been challenging over the last few years, it pales in comparison to what others in our community face every day.  My hat’s off to organizations such as Phoenix Youth at Risk and community leaders such as Catherine Anaya who rally other Super Women to support such organizations every month.

 By Clayton Thomas

Recently, I was with a cousin who asked me, “How do you keep from getting stressed out while working with your kids?”  This is an important question because the more stress you feel over time, the more problems you are bound to have with parenting.  When it comes to working with complex problems with teenagers or simple tantrums with toddlers; it’s important to have a clear state of mind and general calmness.  Everyone knows there will be times when we will get upset with our children.  That’s natural.  The problem is when we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders AND we get upset.  That’s not healthy.  Therefore, here are some tips on taking time out for yourself so you can more effectively work with your children during difficult times.  It’s my hope you can think about the points I’m making and apply them to your life.

Pedicures:  Are you on your feet a lot due to work, exercise, and/or raising your kids?  If so, an occasional pedicure may do the trick.  Around kids, I like to be light on my feet.  Therefore, I get pedicures occasionally.  (Hold the jokes please- colorful polish is not used)

Gym membership:  This is essential in order for me to stay calm.  Sometimes, raising kids is frustrating no matter how good a parent you are.  Getting to a gym regularly gives me extra energy to work with my kids.  Also, when I walk, run, or lift weights, there is a release of pent up energy I can physically feel.  By the time I start working with my kids again, I am a bit tired but relatively relaxed and ready to take on the next challenge.

Babysitters- Getting to know the local high school kids in your area is critical.  You should have a list of people to call when you need to get away for short periods of time.  If you have family in the area, that’s even better.  I understand that babysitting costs can add up.  But in my opinion, extra money should be set aside for this expense.  It’s that important.

If possible, swap kids with friends to get away during your time of need.  In other words, watch your friend’s kids for an hour one day so they will watch yours on another day.  Money will be saved and you’ll still get that well needed time away.

In the weeks and months ahead, I plan to be writing on a variety of topics that are parent/child related.  We’ll talk about matters such as discipline, education, and relationship building.  Here’s the thing though.  If you don’t take to heart today’s lesson, the other areas I’ll advise you on won’t be as effective because you won’t be the best you.  When you are at your best and feeling good, your kids will sense it and feed off it.  There’s no doubt in my mind that over time, you will visibly see the difference.

Have a super day and better tomorrow!

Proud … Healthy … Decisive … Respectful …. Supportive …. Caring … Resourceful … Positive … Strong … Intelligent … Confident … Excited … Fun … Creative … Effective … Resilient …

Resourceful … Unstoppable …. Loving …. A mother … A friend …. A daughter …. A Dreamer …. A Protector …. A Force

A divorcette is a woman of courage.  She has determination and vision and guts. Her relationship ended. Her life changed. She is strong, humble and proud. Sometimes she forgets who she is, and flounders. But always emerges stronger.She is human.

Divorcettes.com is the place where the adventure begins, when the relationship ends. We are driven to help people create a fun, positive vision of living single again … empowering them to make clear and confident decisions for their future. Our playground is real world and virtual space.

Respect myself and my ex … Protect my family … Have fun with my friends and family … Use reason when making decisions … Maintain a healthy lifestyle … Take the time to do what I enjoy … Cherish my relationships … Act on my dream

My voice to be overlooked … My family to be ignored … My self-esteem to be diminished … My health to suffer … My interests to be minimized … My body to be abused … My divorce to define me

I am always interested in the guy’s point of view. On divorce360.com, Matt talks about his fears and that he wants his wife back. I don’t often hear from men and I’d like to hear more!

TDR: Are their any musts in blending the two families?

Leman: Please listen to what I’m saying … that dinner table discussion must be a requirement for blended families. It’s key. That’s the one time we can all sit around to talk with one another. I don’t care if you call them anger meetings; you better address the little rubs, the little digs and the little innuendos before they mushroom into World War III. That’s how you do it around the dinner table. Ask the kids, with the parents as leaders, “What do you think about this or that?” And, without being critical or being judgmental, hear it all out. And then put the judge’s robe on, Mom or Dad, and make the decisions you must make.

Will the kids always like the decision? No. But here’s what the kids have to see — that Mom and Dad are on the same team. If there’s any room between your shoulder and your mate’s, you lose and so do your kids.

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Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.

Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the fourth of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.

The Kiss of Death

TDR: You said that activities are not good for kids. On what do you base that opinion?

Leman: Don’t be held hostage by the children’s activities. I’ve written books on the topic, and activities are not good for kids. Activities are not good for families or for a couple’s sex life. Talk about an un-American statement — you just read one. You may think activities are good for kids. Let me repeat: [Too many] Activities are not good for kids.

Let’s say you each bring a typical family of 2.3 kids. Put each family together, and you now have 4.6 kids. If each of these kids has just two activities, you do the math, that’s over eight different runs to softball, soccer, cheerleading practice, piano lessons — you name it. I have a chapter in one of my books entitled, “Help, I’m a cabbie and my minivan isn’t even yellow.”

We run kids from pillar to post thinking it’s good for families. Well it’s not; kids dominate families today. In my book, Have a New Kid by Friday, I challenge parents to step up to the plate and be the parent. You can’t let a three-foot-tall kid be in charge of you, an adult. This happens in almost everyplace in America. Just go to a typical mall, sit down and watch the behavior, and you’ll know why some mothers eat their young within 15 minutes.

---

Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the third of a four part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Pitting Parents Against Each Other

TDR: Do kids team up to work one parent against the other?

Leman: They do that daily. That’s their game plan. They have been hurt already by life, so when you say, “Here’s this wonderful marriage, or wonderful woman or wonderful man,” the kids will try to sabotage this. Why? Because they have already been hurt by life, so why should they trust you to stay together with the woman or man? That’s the problem that new couples face. These kids are not on your team.

---

Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the second of a four part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Dr. Levin Leman: The biggest misconception is, without a doubt, “We’ll make it in this marriage.” The research says you won’t make it in this new marriage. Your chances are lower in your second marriage than in your first.

The assumption about the kids is that they will grow up to love everybody. Just because you love this man or you love this woman, it does not mean that your son or daughter will love this other person. Nor should you require or expect this. But what you can expect is that this man or woman will be respected. Why? Expect respect because this woman or man is your wife or husband. Respect is the path you want to walk down.

---

Linda Kazares, of Divorcettes.com, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families.

Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book, discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the first of a six part interview. Read the complete interview – Part one … Part two.

Kids Have a Say, But ...

TDR: How involved should the kids be in the decision-making process?

Leman: Now, does that mean you are letting the kids make these decisions? No. You have to make the decision, you’re the parents. But, you should get input from the kids. Just by letting them give some input, it will lessen some of the natural undercutting that goes on in the nature of blended families when it comes to just negotiating who does what and how life will work out for our new family.

The parent of each child is the final authority of that child and has the final say. I encourage you to get the blessing of your mate. Don’t get bullheaded and paint yourself into a corner.

The key to all negotiating is that everybody wins something. And, we should negotiate with honesty and with respect.

---

Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the last of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

The Ex-spouse Is the Extended Family

TDR: What’s the best way for the new spouses to handle ex-spouse relationships?

Leman: What’s in vogue today, especially with young children, is that kids bounce back and forth from home to home. Somebody thinks he or she is King Solomon and cuts the kid in half — not a good idea. Parents, if you’re into moving, why don’t you move? That would be my advice. It’s not advice that anyone wants to take, because it’s too inconvenient. It’s much easier for the kids to move. My biased opinion is that those kids should live in one place as much as possible. Yes, and visit the other parent.

The big thing to understand about ex-spouse relationships is to never badmouth your ex-husband or ex-wife, for any reason, at any time, under any circumstance. I don’t care if that ex-husband is a slime ball with a capital “S.” Don’t badmouth him. If you do, you will live to regret it.

---

Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

 This is the fourth of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

Get Ready for the Ex-spouse's Grenades

TDR: Where does the ex-spouse fit into the picture? 

Leman:  The ex-spouse can lob a grenade into your home with a simple phone call or email. Now you can see why the experts predict that it takes three to seven years to blend families. The foundation of the blended family is cemented with the mortar of jealousy, anger, bitterness and anger. Notice that I said anger twice — because everybody has a little anger inside, an emotional chip on his or her shoulder.

I hope I’m not painting too dark a picture, but you had better love one another the second time around. You had better put your husband or wife first in the relationship. Take it from me, I’m an old grizzled veteran who has been married to the same woman for 43 consecutive years. You will not make it in a marriage unless you are shoulderto shoulder.

---

Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

 This is the third of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

TDR: What are the typical beliefs and misconceptions when two people with separate families from previous marriages fall in love?

Leman: A lot of people fall into the “tinglies.” I’m not even sure it’s love. After you’ve been hurt after a divorce and you find this special person and you have all the euphoric feelings running around in your heart and in your head, you’re telling yourself, “Ahh, this is going to be wonderful.” I think a lot of people assume it will be bliss. Yet love may not be wonderful the second time around — it’s more difficult.

 And even when kids seem to like the other person, what you have to understand is that even though these kids seem like they’re on board, trust me, they’re not. They are the enemy to the new marriage. They will drive a wedge between you. If you are not shoulder to shoulder as a couple, you’re doomed.

So the misnomer of blended families is simply that. They are not blended; they collide. There are many Armageddon evenings ahead for everyone.

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Jack Scharff, Editor at The Divorce Resource, recently spoke with Dr. Kevin Leman, an expert in blended families. He is the author of Have a New Kid by Friday and The Birth Order Book.

Dr. Leman discusses the challenges of blending families from different marriages. It isn’t easy, but there are actions you can take to help blend a family.

This is the first of a six part interview, click here for the complete interview.

by Jocelyn Block, M.A. and Melinda Smith, M.A – HelpGuide.org

Despite the many challenges, it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. It might be tough at first to get over the past acrimony, but your children need you to do it. Here are some strategies to make co-parenting work.

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