Children

Have you ever had one of those moments when your child has made you so angry, you could pull your hair out?  At one time or another, I think all of us have.  Although most of us know children are prone to making mistakes, that doesn’t excuse the fact that little Johnny just squirted catchup all over his sister’s hair.

It’s at these moments when the goal of discipline should be understood.  Simply put, the goal of discipline is to teach.  This can be really difficult because of the other challenges we face.  As a parent, we never seem to have a lot of time for ourselves, we may be tired after a long day at work, or we may be so angry that’s it’s hard to think straight.

No matter what you use for discipline (timeouts for example) there are two keys.

1.  Make sure whatever consequences you employ are age appropriate.  Sometimes, we use anger to fuel the discipline.  It’s kind of like placing jet fuel in an automobile.  In other words, it isn’t a good idea.  For example, if your four year old misbehaves, giving him/her a 4 minute time out is age appropriate.  Placing the child in his/her room for an hour simply isn’t age appropriate.  Parents who do the later are typically using that tool to gain a personal break or garner a bit of revenge for the child’s behavior.
2. Make sure you are pressing the right “buttons.”  This is a real key.  It means using consequences in such a way that the child gets the message.  A simple example would be when a child isn’t eating their dinner.  For some children, it doesn’t do any good for a parent to keep repeating the phrase “Eat your dinner” or threatening an early bedtime.  Instead, try breaking out the child’s favorite ice cream and eating a little bit in front of him.  When disbelief sets in on his/her face, offer the ice cream to him/her after they finish their dinner.  Keep in mind the ice cream trick will only work if that’s one of your child’s buttons.  A parent should have a collection of “buttons” to achieve consistent discipline.  It may be useful for parents to write the “buttons” on paper in order to bring them to the forefront of their mind.

 The point of disciplining children again is to teach.  Some children respond to negative consequences such as time outs and early bedtimes while others do not.  Don’t be afraid to think outside the box while being age appropriate, find the hot button for your child, and apply it in order to teach the behaviors you are looking for.  I have worked with over 400 children.  When utilized correctly, this system has never failed in teaching strong discipline measures to very difficult children.

All my best to you and your family!

One frustration I hear from parents is that there are not enough hours in the day.  We want to give more of ourselves especially when it comes to our family.  Single parents especially feel this stress.  By the time they earn their income and fulfill obligations with children (i.e. school- extracurricular activities), time has run out.  The danger of this, of course, is children are going to bond with others no matter the degree to their which parents are in the picture.  Therefore, when a parent is not keeping their finger on the pulse with their children, they are taking a big chance in terms is where the void is being filled.

So how does one go about finding the time?  Many of us are so locked into our schedules that finding extra time seems improbable.  With these thoughts in mind, I was recently listening to a classic rock radio station while in the shower (hold the jokes please) and the song Turn Up the Radio by Autograph came on.  This got me thinking about some ideas to the time conundrum a lot of us face.  Here are three ways I thought of to increase quality time with your child.

1.  Turn DOWN the radio.  While driving a child to/from school or an extracurricular activity, you can spend time discussing their day and what’s going on in your life.  Turning down the radio implies that talking to your child is more important than the latest Justin Bieber hit.
2. Another idea is to prioritize family meals.  Breakfast is a great example.  Many parents could choose to get up ½ hour earlier and make a good breakfast for the entire family to share.  This may entail having a child wake up a little earlier for school but the reward is worth it.   One thing my family does occasionally is purchase large muffins from a local store.  Trust me when I say everyone sits down together to enjoy these treats.
3. Use social media to your advantage.  If your child has a Facebook page, send them messages of encouragement.  Texting a quick “I love you” to a child can be beneficial as well.  Out of the three options, this is my least favorite because the other ideas seem much more personal to me.  Regardless, if you are using this idea to enhance the relationship with your child along with other ideas, you should understand the benefit.

A final note to spending quality time with our children is this.  The problem we face typically will not go away on its own.  It takes a concerted effort for all children but especially with teenagers.  Feel free to substitute any of my ideas with one of your own.  Please understand though that spending quality time with your child is an obligation all of us share as caring parents.    All my best to you and your families!

An inquisitive child is a blessing and a curse for parents. On one hand, a parent should be happy his/her child has an interest which allows them to question things. On the other hand, sometimes it can be embarrassing if you don’t know the answer. It’s also difficult when children question EVERYTHING and you spend a lot of time answering questions when you may want to be doing other things.

Encourage the Inquisitive Child

By and large though, parents should want inquisitive children.  These are the children who typically participate in school and understand more concepts because their questions have been answered. While I was a teacher, the most inquisitive children were typically the leaders of my classroom.

Many times, learning the subject matter wasn’t enough.  It was more important for children to go above and beyond by asking the right questions.  The process of going above and beyond is what made a ‘B/C’ student an ‘A’ student.

Ideas to Build Inquisitiveness

The following ideas really helped in terms of building a child’s inquisitiveness.  My hope is you can use these lessons at home.  The simple formula is inquisitive children = successful children.

1. Model inquisitiveness at home.  For example, start statements with “I wonder how to …”.  Another good beginning is “What would happen if …”. Modeling these behaviors over time will likely be repeated by the child when they have a question or problem.  Please remember this process takes time, so if you do this once and don’t repeat it, odds are the child isn’t going to pick up on what you are doing.
2. Take an active role in finding the answer.  When my eldest child had a question about humpback whales, we looked it up using Google (I didn’t know much about them anyway). We received a plethora of information and great videos.  I took his question seriously and helped him research it in an entertaining manner. He was encouraged to be equally as inquisitive on future topics.

Helping a child learn to be inquisitive can be a lot of work, and time consuming if the child isn’t naturally inclined.  I can tell you that fostering inquisitiveness is one of the most worthwhile things I do as a parent.

What techniques have you learned that help nurture your child’s questioning nature?

Kay Woods, founder of Precious Treasures Child Care, spends her days with your children.

Look for signs of stress in your kids.

Children are like a sponge and will absorb all types of emotions from home. When a child walks into our center, you can tell when they are withdrawn and stressed.  Just because the parents are not togetherand they may not be as vibrant as they were when the parents were happy. I’ve seen children become aggressive, too. Children may also wet themselves if they are upset. The stresses parents are under today have been intensified because of the recession, too.

Kay Woods, founder of Precious Treasures Child Care, provides around-the-clock childcare for stressed-out parents.

CDR: How do children change during a divorce?

KW: At any age, particularly a young age, children can internalize what is going on with their parents. A child can comprehend what is going on and is listening.  They feel what you are feeling. If the parents are happy; they are happy.  If parents are in a state of emotional upheaval, children will take on that personality. They mirror the parents.

Kay Woods, founder of Precious Treasures Child Care, provides around-the-clock childcare for stressed-out parents.

CDR: Do you give advice about raising children?

KW: Listen, no one wants to be an inadequate parent, and while parents may be getting information from family and friends, we don’t know if that information is accurate. If they need advice, we let them know we can help. But we don’t get into therapy.  We just try to focus on solutions that work for everyone.

Kay Woods, founder of Precious Treasures Child Care, provides around-the-clock childcare for stressed-out parents.

CDR: Why did you start a 24/7 childcare center?

KW: About eight years ago, my mother and I determined there was a need to start a childcare center in the [San Francisco] bay area. We realized the stress of raising children and the affect it had on relationships. We realized there was a need for a 24/7 center, so that no matter what time of day, parents could leave their children with us.

I am an advocate of high-quality childcare and I want to build a foundation to support the important years — from birth to five years old. I also want to provide childcare, starting at kindergarten and extending through high school.

CDR: How unusual is your service?

KW: Our service is unusual and there are only a few [agencies] that offer this type of service. We felt it was important to offer support for all ages. There is a great demand for 24/7 childcare. Many are single and are going through a divorce and they need help. It’s a very stressful time for them. But if we can provide some relief parents will have a better mindset.

Some couples use the kids as a weapon, including telling children about the cheating spouse. Even if they understood, don’t you think this does more harm?

While the adults are struggling to figure out divorce, what about the kids? Here’s a kid-friendly site that gently spells out what it means to them. How did your kids handle the split?

What’s the effect of divorce on kids?  I tend to think a single parent that makes a happy home is better than two miserable people.